The Problem with Promises - Rebuilding Trust
Do you wonder why your friends and family continue to mistrust you, question your sobriety, or run checks on you -despite having some considerable time in recovery and your promises to stay sober?
Let me put this in perspective with three examples;
One - Five Years. If you are a medical or licensed professional and have a licensing board to be accountable to maintain your license (doctor, nurse, lawyer, social worker, dentist, etc.), you will likely be drug-tested, required to go to 12-step meetings, therapy, or show proof of your recovery for up to five years.
If your professional organization is asking for five years of accountability, can you commit to five years of patience with your friends and family members?
Two - Events will trigger old wounds. In my experience, I thought I was building a solid foundation of trust with my children by three years of sobriety, but in 2016 - (3 years sober), I was on a cruise with my daughter. Our cabin was an inside room, and it was completely dark at night. When nature called in the middle of the night, I found myself completely lost in the darkness, stumbling around our cabin. I inadvertently woke up my daughter, who observed my behavior and immediately questioned if I was drunk.
I believe this reaction was more instinctual. My stumbling behavior reminded her of past experiences with me.
Three - a year later, in 2017 (4 years sober), I fell down the stairs at my house and fainted from the pain of a broken leg and dislocated ankle. One of the first questions my (then) husband asked me was if I had been drinking or taken some kind of drug. At first, I was offended, but I can not fault him for asking this question because it was his fear and also valuable information to provide to the EMTs who were called to the house for fear that I might have hit my head.
In the last two cases, I chose to believe that there was nothing wrong with my family members' responses. Their questions were honest reactions to awkward situations. They were spoken out of fear and concern, not malice or evil intent.
Instead, I chose to see this as an opportunity to prove myself, heal the relationship, and stay alert to the fact that my family members still have wounds that have not been completely healed and could benefit from being addressed. I also use this to strengthen my foundation of sobriety and to help keep me motivated to work on my recovery.
Broken Promises Equals Broken Trust.
The main problem with promises for recovering people is that we have likely made many promises to never drink or use again. Many of these were said with good intent and a sincere desire but were still broken. However, some promises were made because we were trying to avoid trouble or manipulate those around us. It is important to take accountability for your words and behaviors, no matter the reason.
The Problem with Promises (even in the best of cases)
In my mind, there are many specific problems that come with making a promise. These may include;
Promises are a form of setting an expectation, and as most 12-steppers know, expectations can set us up for disappointment and resentment.
Promises can be a form of people-pleasing, especially if we make promises that are difficult to fulfill or over-commit ourselves.
Promise can be a form of procrastination and avoidance.
Sometimes, circumstances change, and it may be difficult to fulfill the promise. (for example, It rains, and you cannot take the kids to the beach.)
You can’t make promises on things you can’t control. (For example, I can’t promise that Dad will come home this weekend.)
Many addicts and alcoholics may not even remember the promises that they made while they were drinking/using.
Rebuilding Trust
The first step is to remember that everyone has a right to recollect past experiences, broken promises, and feelings about them. This is also going to be a process, not an event. It is going to take time, patience, empathy, and communication.
Specific tools.
Take ownership of your broken promises and mistakes. Do not diminish, justify, or offer a lengthy explanation.
Apologize, and ask what you can do to make it right. (take note, this is not an amends).
Be tactfully honest and answer their questions, but do not overshare. After answering their question, ask them if your answer was satisfactory.
Make sure you listen to them and that the other person feels understood.
Determine if you should address your family members as a group or one by one.
Don’t test or challenge their levels of trust with you.
Don’t try to analyze or find the deeper meaning of their lack of trust. This is not your place. They can address it with their sponsor, coach, mentor, friends, or therapist. But support their growth and get support.
It goes without saying, change the behaviors, be trustworthy
Build up other areas of the relationship.
Make a commitment to yourself, and be accountable with a sponsor, therapist, or coach.
What if this doesn’t work?
There is not one great answer to this question. Sometimes, trust will never be returned to the level it once was. Sometimes, the other individual(s) are too hurt or have too many walls up to ever trust you again. The key here is to change what you can, accept what you can’t, and continue to do the next right thing.
Professional help, counseling, coaching, etc., are all excellent resources if both parties are willing to participate. Getting an objective third-party opinion can also help accelerate the progress of building trust or overcoming a specific challenge.
I continue to welcome challenges from my friends and family about trust. My children have “find a phone” on my phone; they often call or check in and ask me about what I am doing to help maintain my recovery. But the most important tool I have and wish to give you is the power of Hope.
I hope this has been helpful. If you believe it will benefit someone else, please share it. Also, check out some of my other entries and keep coming back for more topics.
Please feel free to email me if you have a topic that you would like me to address. The address is located on my website.
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