Speaking to your Adult Children about Your Substance Use Disorder or Mental Health Issues
Where to Begin and How to Get Started
This article is written for the recovering individual who has yet to have an open and honest discussion with their children about their personal struggles with addiction or mental illness.
It can be confusing and unsettling to have a parent with a Substance Use Disorder, regardless of your age. There isn't a single typical response from family members regarding your active substance use disorder or your efforts at recovery. The goal here is not to persuade or impress your opinion on your children. Instead, it's about starting conversations about your past and present experiences, your hopes for recovery, and your fears about the damage that has occurred within your relationship.
Your children’s reactions may vary from relief and gratitude to outright mistrust and anger. They will likely experience a combination of emotions that may include doubt, suspicion, sadness, cynicism, and confusion. The most important point I want to make in this blog article is that they are entitled to their feelings and emotions, no matter what.
However, a discussion like this can help initiate the healing of a wounded relationship and establish an entirely new connection with your child, opening the doors to more meaningful bonds and mutually supportive growth opportunities. This begins with setting the stage, having a positive mindset and a little preparation and planning.
Getting Started
Ideally, any delicate or potentially awkward conversation should be neutral and held in a comfortable environement. I recommend planning ahead. Invite your child or children to a meal or an activity that allows you to slow down and connect. Prepare them ahead of time by telling them that you have something important to talk about. Do not be overly dramatic or vague. Set up a time with no tight time limitations. Let them know that you hope this conversation will have a positive outcome and that you ask for it honestly and sincerely. Keep a positive and uplifted attitude throughout.
Things to be mindful of when having the conversation. Your children probably know more about your struggles than you think they do, no matter how much you think you have protected them or hid your challenges from them. Begin with asking them what they know and understand about your recent substance use or mental health struggles.
A Few Reminders
What to Do and What Not to Do When Communicating with Your Grown Children…
Do’s
Accept that they are adults, not children. Acknowledge that your children are adults and that you hope to speak to them as adults.
Prepare ahead of time. Make notes (if necessary) about the specific formation you would like to share.
Remember, this is a conversation, not a speech or lecture.
Acknowledge aloud that this could be a difficult conversation.
Be concise in your comments to allow for further questions. Self-disclose in moderation.
LISTEN. Make your primary goal to be “listening to their thoughts and feelings.” Seek to understand and be able to affirm their feelings.
Affirm and validate their feelings. Make sure that they know that you have understood what they have said.
A good response might be something like this: “I hear that you are worried about how this affected your younger siblings…
Respect their point of view. Do not deny, discount, or diminish.
Tell them your plan of action for addressing your ongoing substance and mental health issues.
Offer gratitude and praise in moderation for any time and attention they have granted you.
Answer their questions and acknowledge criticism.
This doesn’t mean that you have to agree with it or that you have to accept abusive language.
Ask them if they have any additional questions. Ask them open-ended questions to help them engage in the conversation.
Don’t be afraid to say. “I don’t know, I am not sure, or I will have to get back to you.”
Don’t rush the conversation.
Recognize that it might be hard for them to adjust to an adult conversation with you the first few times you attempt this. It might be hard for them to acknowledge their feelings, ask you questions, or absorb this information.
Remember the CCCs. Remind them that they didn’t cause your illness and cannot cure it or control it.
Be aware that this conversation may trigger deeper or old wounds in your child that they have not addressed.
Be prepared to offer them options for help if they ask.
Leave the door open for future conversations.
Plant the seed to have a discussion in the future about the Genetic and Disease Concepts of Mental Health.
Ask for a future opportunity to give your amends or apologies.
Don’ts
Try not to take their anger or hostile feelings personally. Remember, you may have made some bad mistakes, but you are not a bad person.
Resist from giving advice.
Do not pull out the Parental Card, i.e., “because I am your parent, because I said so, etc.”
Don’t displace blame on them, circumstances, or other people for any of your actions. No one makes you feel, act, or behave in any manner.
Do not discount, diminish their feelings, or tell them, “It could have been worse.”
Do not share other people’s stories.
Do not use guilt or manipulation.
Unless they ask, do not offer suggestions for how you would like them to treat you.
Do not attempt to explain, justify, or minimize your actions.
This conversation also offers the oportunity for connection and could ultimately bring you closer together than ever.
Summary
The toughest challenge may be accepting that your children are now adults, especially if you were estranged from them or spent much of their adolescence in active illness. It may take some work, but empathy, patience, and practice will all help you to be successful. It is okay if it does not go perfectly the first time. Remind them of your willingness and concern for their well-being if they become angry or frustrated. However, if you are able to start and end conversations with a loving and caring approach, your relationships may flourish and develop into something you cherish. Gradually, having an open conversation about a personal matter in the future will not have to be a special occasion."
I hope this has been helpful. If you believe it will benefit someone else, please share it. Also, check out some of my other entries and return every Monday for more topics.
Please feel free to email me if you have a topic you want me to address. The address is located on my website.
You might be interested in checking out one of these topics about communication.
Resources
https://americanaddictioncenters.org/rehab-guide/guide-for-children