How to Navigate Difficult Conversations with Your Children
15 Tips to Help Get the Conversation Started
I don’t think anyone really enjoys having to share bad news, discuss death or divorce, or any message that can negatively impact one’s mental or physical health or well-being. But when you add the element of having to deliver difficult news to your child, many of us are dumbfounded about where to begin. We often let our preconceived ideas about what children will understand, what they need to know, or even if it is necessary, cloud our judgment and actions.
Many of us came from families where no one talked about their feelings, much less knew how to deliver bad news. In my family, things just happened without explanation or follow-up. We moved often, my parents had late-night explosive fights that were never addressed the next day, my brother had a mysterious illness that I (wrongly and fearfully) presumed would end his life, and inconsistency was the usual pattern of life. I spent a lot of time confused and trying to figure out what was happening, always preparing for what would happen next and becoming a very guarded and controlling individual.
I have always advocated for good communication as one of the key elements to successful marriages, families, and raising children. But I have added some additional tools to consider if you have to deliver uncomfortable news to a younger family member.
Prepare ahead of time. Don’t spring bad news on anyone when they least suspect it or are not in the frame of mind to receive it. Think about what you’re going to say and how you are going to deliver it (the tone of your voice, your mood, etc.).
Get advice from others on how they have successfully navigated situations like this, and practice with another friend, coach, or sponsor before you approach the child.
Decide if you need to speak to each child separately or all of your children together. This is particularly important if there is a significant difference in the children’s ages.
Set the stage and decide when and where would be the best, most comfortable place for you and the child. Try to pick a time when you will not be interrupted.
Take time to process your feelings about the situation before you discuss it with the child. This may not be entirely possible, but be aware of your own emotions, feelings, and defenses. Do not forget that your reactions may have historical roots.
For example, are some of your fears about your children’s safety linked to your own adverse childhood experiences?
Expressing your emotions in front of your children is absolutely alright. Do not be afraid to cry or state that you, too, are anxious or angry.
This is an opportunity to role model or teach; there are no good or bad feelings, and expressing your feelings rather than holding them in is healthier.
Plan ahead and think about who else can give your children emotional support in addition to yourself. Are they particularly close to your child? (A best friend, a teacher, or another family member?)
Ask what they already know about the situation. You can even do this to start the conversation.
For example, “I know you have overheard Mom talking about Grandpa going to the hospital. What do you understand or want to know about Grandpa and this situation?”
Be honest, stick to the facts, and do not embellish or exaggerate the story or situation. Be as concise as possible.
You can fill in the gaps of information when they ask questions.
Plan ahead of time and have answers ready to the questions they might ask.
Be a good listener. Be a good listener. Be a good listener.
Above all, allow them to say everything they want to say before you respond. Allow for periods of silence. Give them time to respond.
Let them know they can return later, to ask you more questions, share their feelings, etc.
Stick to one topic at a time, and ask if they understand before moving on to another topic.
Share your feelings (with limitations), don’t over-disclose, and don't seek comfort from your child. Your job is to be there for them.
Reassure your child that they can talk to you about anything. It is all right not to have an immediate answer to their questions, but always try to follow up with them with the answer or additional information later.
Do not tell them that everything will be okay if the future is uncertain. Instead, tell them that you have a plan for managing the problem. Give them realistic hope and limited details of this plan. Keep them updated and informed on the progress of this plan.
“Hard times, when held with open hands and a tender heart, can prepare us for the future.” – Cindee Snider Re
To Summarize
This might be a difficult exercise to complete, but it is essential that you include your children in conversations about difficult life circumstances. We must acknowledge that our children are more aware of our present circumstances than we realize. When we do not give them the necessary information, they will likely “fill in the blanks” with their own ideas and theories. Growing up in a family with secrets, confusion, dysfunction, or unresolved issues can impact their future mental and physical health.
When life challenges arise, instead of dreading speaking with your children, consider this an opportunity to break dysfunctional behaviors. You can even use this as a teaching opportunity;
to role model healthy reactions to crisis,
teach problem-solving skills,
teach your children that it is okay to ask for help,
teach them that problems do arise but won’t last forever,
and that challenges offer you the opportunity to grow and evolve.
And maybe, most importantly… it could bring you closer together in the long run
If you are in recovery, it is to your advantage to have open and honest conversations with your children about your addiction, treatment, and recovery plan. They need to be informed about the changes that are taking place within yourself and the family. Coming soon, future blog articles addressing how to speak with your children about your addiction, broken down into specific age groups.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I hope this has been helpful. If you believe it will benefit someone else, please share it. Also, check out some of my other entries and return for more topics.
Please feel free to email me if you have a topic you want me to address. The address is located on my website.
