Managing Disappointment
Subtitle;
Was My Recent Appalachian Trail Hike a Success or a Disappointment?
or
A Demonstration of How Childhood Messages Can Interfere with Self-talk in Adulthood.
July 21st, 2024
I will depart from my usual style of blog entries by making this one unscripted and more spontaneous while I finish processing my experience on my most recent backpacking trip. I hope that by demonstrating the tools I use to manage my own disappointment, it might help someone else as it helps me.
“My first reaction to this year’s backpacking trip - “I am disappointed in myself. ”
When I left the trail and began the drive home, I was exhausted and frustrated with myself. I had only hiked for a week, completing only 8-10 miles a day. It had been hotter and harder than I expected. I felt like I never got my hiker’s legs (where hiking feels natural, almost effortless), and I never achieved the hiker’s high (rush of endorphins, similar to a “runner’s high”) that I often experience by day 3 or 4.
I thought I had set reasonable expectations prior to the hike, that I was going to be compassionate and understanding with myself, and that I had processed the decision to modify my hike before I left home. Still, I am frustrated and annoyed with myself…
I will try to write/journal/ think my way through this. I am going to use my SNAP tool to help process my feelings. A tool I learned from my therapist and I use on a regular basis
“SNAP -stands for
S - Stop
N -Notice
A - Ask if it is true.
P - Pivot - Change ”
Applying the S N A P - self-talk in faint format
Stop - Pause, Breathe, and Relax
I pause to stop the runaway, self-defeating thoughts of, “I didn’t accomplish what I hoped for, I didn’t achieve my usual hiking goals, I took an easier way out by staying at hostels more than camping…” “This trip was a waste of time.”
Notice - What are you thinking, feeling, seeing, doing?
“I am still physically tired…
-I am angry with myself
-I feel overwhelmed by seeing the mess I made when I unloaded my hiking gear into the house.
Ask—is it true? Was your hiking experience a failure? Is anger necessary? Let’s consider the effect tiredness has on your thought process…
“It was a different experience, not necessarily good or bad, but I am honestly feeling sad and let down.”
“I am being hard on myself.”
“This is okay. Allow yourself to experience the feeling.”
Pivot - challenge the thought and then process.
“Yes, I am tired, but I am having difficulty releasing negative thinking. I will “table” (postpone) these thoughts now and return to them later.
July 23, 2024
A couple of days have passed, and I am physically rested, better nourished, and almost caught up with my chores, emails, etc. My emotions are not as raw as they were the other day. I have shared my hiking experience with friends who kept me accountable and stopped me from belittling my efforts and trip this year.
But I still feel a little restless and frustrated with myself. I will apply the SNAP tool again.
Stop - Pause, Breathe, and Relax
I pause to examine my thought process on my hiking experience. I am better rested. I take a few deep breaths.
Notice - What are you thinking, feeling, seeing, doing?
“My level of frustration with myself and self-talk is naturally reduced, but I am still questioning whether or not I am living up to my potential or if the hike was a waste of time.”
Ask - Is it True
“Did I really fail myself? Should I be angry or frustrated? What good things did come of the hike?”
Pivot - Change what you are thinking.
“No, anger is unnecessary, especially if directed at yourself. I think what you are feeling may be sadness. "Let’s begin to take stock of what went right, what I can learn from it, and what I will do differently next time.”
To the reader - I won’t ramble on with the entire journal entry.
July 27th, 2024
Although I am not well rested today, I have had some more time to think about my hike, what went well, and what I will change or plan for next year. But let’s still reflect on how the SNAP tool can help me understand now, “how and where” this pattern of thinking came from… the lingering childhood messages from my youth
SNAP
S- Stop - Pause, Breathe, and Relax
I take a deep breath, clear my mind and set the stage to be able to process any uncomfortable feelings that may arise from old wounds.
N-Notice - What are you thinking, feeling, seeing, doing?
I am no longer engaging in negative self-talk about what the hike was like. I am a bit tired, but this may serve me well, it may enable me to access the wounds of my childhood that I sometimes deny when all is going smoothly (ironic thought, isn’t it?) I am still seeing some clutter from the hiking gear that has not been put away.
Reader, stay with me here… what I am saying is that a little pain can sometimes be helpful.
A—Ask if it is true. “Was the hike a disappointment? Was I a failure?”
Absolutely not. The hike was what it was. I can see that I absolutely pushed myself as hard as I could. I had a different experience than in past years; some were new and helpful. I became more comfortable that it might take me more than 10 years to finish the entire trail. I met some great people, and I learned some new tools. I allowed myself to compromise my goals for the needs of others (which I chose to perceive as an act of service.)
But it is now obvious to me that my feelings are not just from the hike. I have triggered old wounds from my past.
A—Ask where these messages come from and why you were so hard on yourself originally (aside from being tired).
I grew up in a home where anything less than complete effort and perfect results was unsatisfactory. There was pressure to perform perfectly, and within me, a child still fears that she will not be accepted or liked unless she is the best. This child learned to compare herself to the merits of others. She also felt pressured to fit in, not make waves, not rock the boat, and to be like everyone else (but just a little bit better).
These tools and messages helped me survive as a child when no better direction was available. I did the best I could with what I had at the time. These behaviors are buried deep within me, so it is okay for them to rise to the surface. This enables me to address them (even though I might have to do this again at times) so that you can remove them from your current life and habits. When I am tired, I fall back on these traits, which is why I must never take myself too seriously when I am tired.
P- Pivot - Change
This thinking does not serve me well and certainly does not apply to the recreational activity of hiking or backpacking. Maybe I didn’t log in as many miles, but I still went out there and hiked despite this year’s limitations. I made some new friends and learned some skills. I continued to progress toward my ultimate goal of finishing the entire Appalachian Trail, and after all, one of the mottos I coach is; “progress, not perfection.”
There were also therapeutic lessons. My childhood wounds were triggered, and I chose to address, acknowledge, and challenge them. They are not fixed, but I believe that each time I walk through this process, I am chipping away at the damage they have done, gaining understanding and insight into my behavior, and healing the wounded inner child.
The end result is that the hike/backpacking trip was a success.
Let’s Switch Gears Now
Other options or tools for dealing with disappointment -
The teacher/coach in me takes over at this point, and I feel like I need to add some additional ideas for how to manage disappointment from a more academic or coaching point of view. I have combined my thoughts with other tools that I have used or have learned from my work and research.
Define specifically what it is that you are disappointed with.
Offer yourself the same self-compassion that you would give to someone else.
Address the disappointment when you are not hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.
Give yourself some “space” or time, if necessary, to allow emotions to cool down.
Think creatively and look at the situation, event, or thing from a different perspective. Get another person’s perspective
Examine what your expectations were. Are they within reason?
Acknowledge unmet needs. Do not deny if you are feeling sad, disappointed, frustrated, etc.
Acknowledge the emotional impact of the disappointment.
Ask, is this triggering …
- a sense of loss?
- being out of control?
- older unmet needs from previous experiences?
Ask yourself if there is an opportunity to explore this further, what you can learn from the experience, and what good could come from it.
Summary - I choose to call the hike and my personal growth a success.
So, I have to admit, as I edit this entry for the last time, I see that I have been quite tough on myself and have disclosed a good deal about myself. But because I have been able to turn my experience into a lesson for myself and hopefully one for you, too, I am quite content with this year’s hike.
If you find this helpful, I hope you will share it with someone else. Please explore the other blog entries, and I welcome any feedback you can give me. My email address is available on the website. Thank you for your support and time.
Interested in learning more about my experiences hiking the Appalachian Trail? Check out the following entry.