Raising Resilient Children

INTRODUCTION

No matter how much we try to protect our children, they will all experience various levels of stress, loss, and challenges throughout their childhoods and later in their lives. Some of this may arise from their families’ physical and emotional health. Some may be generated from school-related stressors, such as bullying or an athletic or academic loss. While other challenges may arise from the death of a loved family pet, friend, or family member. How well our children adapt to these experiences and return to “normal functioning” is often called resiliency.

DEFINITION  

For the purposes of this blog and my desire to maintain professionalism, I will adapt the American Psychological Association’s definition of resiliency:

““Resilience is the process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences, especially through mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility and adjustment to external and internal demands.”

— APA

A number of factors contribute to how well people adapt to adversities, including;

·      Their preconceived notions of the world.

·      Their ability to ask for help.

·      The availability and quality of social resources from family, school, work, or community.

·      Baseline coping skills. 

Every child has some level of resiliency. Some children are naturally more resilient than others. This may be related to the parent’s ability to be resilient, their environment, or their genetic make-up. Regardless, there are things that we can do to help our children learn to be more resilient.

ASSESSMENT

Increasing your child’s resilience begins with you, your own ability to bounce back from difficult situations, your self-awareness, and what you have been role-modeling to your children.  For example, despite my experience and education, I tend to overreact/be dramatic when presented with a sudden new obstacle or challenge.  I grew up in a “glass half-empty” family, so my instinct is to focus on the negative.  I have to put in the effort to pivot my attitude from “Oh no, not again” to “What can I learn from this.”

But this does not mean that you are at fault for your child’s ability to recover from difficult experiences or that you must become more resilient before promoting this trait in your child. Instead, both you and your child can work on building resilience together. Your child watching you grow and adapt is a valuable tool. Demonstrating that it is okay to ask for help and being willing to change is a life-long skill we all need to possess.

BASIC TOOLS

Let’s begin with the fundamentals.

·      Ensure your child has sufficient sleep, adequate nutrition, and time for rest and play.

·      Maintain a daily routine, but be flexible in supporting this routine.

·      Incorporate breaks and rest into the daily routine. (For example, schedule times when you “unplug” from all social media, television, and electronics.)

·      Teach your child essential self-care skills, such as getting dressed, having hygiene routines, and feeding themselves.

·      Nurture a positive self-view and be aware of the messages you tell your children about them. Avoid name-calling or labeling your child. (For example, Betty is a quick learner, while Bobby is better at sports.)

·      Spend time in nature and outdoors.

·      Encourage your child to socialize and make connections with their peers, teachers, classmates, or teammates.  You want them to have a wide social support network and not be dependent upon you alone.

ONGOING TOOLS

·      Be comfortable and open to talking about “feelings and emotions.”  Teach them that all feelings are okay.  There are no “good or bad” feelings.  Focus more on how they manage (act out) the more difficult emotions. 

·      Make time for “checking in” with your child and ask questions that require more than a one-word answer. (For example, instead of “How was your day at school? What did you learn today?” ask, “What was your favorite activity today?” or “What activity did you do at lunchtime?”)

·      Move toward your own goals.  Allow them to see your mistakes and failures in addition to your success.

·      Keep things in perspective and maintain a hopeful outlook on your own life. 

·      Look for opportunities for self-discovery and include your child.  (For example, take a family hike or participate in a volunteer activity together.)

·      Accept change and focus on the positive. 

·      Teach the concept “that life is not always fair,” and that is okay.

·      Explain and teach them about healthy boundaries, physical, social, and emotional.

·      Foster age-appropriate independence in your child.  (More information will be provided in a later blog post.)

·      Demonstrate and teach the concept of “Delayed Gratification.”  Sometimes, you have to work for or wait for the outcome you wish for

RESILIENCE IN TIMES OF CRISIS

Most of us will experience a very difficult or critical challenge at various points in our lives. This may include loss from a tornado, hurricane, or fire, an experience like the COVID-19 Pandemic, or the death of a loved one. It is important to remember that we will all react differently in these situations and that there is no single way of responding to a crisis. However, I have included some additional suggestions to remember at these times.

·      Allow time to feel the emotions.  Communicate about them.

·      Be a good listener.

·      Validate their feelings.

·      Imagine new possibilities and opportunities that may arise from the crisis or loss.

·      Return to a regular routine as soon as reasonable.

·      Be compassionate and patient with yourself as well as your children.

·      Recognize that there is often a delayed response to the crisis or a re-triggering of the emotions and feelings about the crisis.

SUMMARY

Building resilience is a tool that will help your child throughout their lives.  The ability to adapt and recover from daily stressors and challenges now can help our child manage future adversity, trauma, or tragedy. Becoming resilient does not mean that you or your child won’t experience emotional pain, sadness, or grief, just that you all will have a plan for managing it.

Lastly, when grief or emotional pain is pervasive, consider talking to someone who can help, such as a psychologist, school counselor, or other mental health professional. Sometimes, the greatest act of courage is not enduring the pain but reaching out for help.

Take a look at these other articles for more information on parenting topics.

Please share this with anyone you feel it can help, and take a few minutes to check out some of the other blog entries.

Resources

https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience