Teaching Children Coping Skills and Tools…
Skills to help children manage stress, navigate challenging situations, regulate emotions, and build resilience.
This article will address general coping skills and tools that can help with challenges like anxiety, stress, adapting to change, and grief.
DISCLAIMER: This information is for general purposes only. Any application of this material is at the reader’s discretion and responsibility. It is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment. If you are facing a medical or psychiatric emergency, seek immediate medical attention.
We all wish to teach our children healthy coping skills, contributing to better mental, physical, and social well-being throughout their lives. But where should we start?
We must first learn, practice, and role-model the skills we want our children to acquire.
I mean no disrespect to my parents, but the coping tools I observed and learned from them have only taken me so far in life. Some of these tools were effective and helpful, while others had their limitations, and some were even counterproductive. They included approaches such as:
“Work hard. Always strive for perfection.”
They role-modeled an amazing work ethic, but it came with the message that anything less than your best is unacceptable and that there is always something more you could be working on. For me, this fueled my perfectionism.
“Stay out of your parents’ business. Resolve the significant issues behind closed doors. Adults make all decisions, while children have little to no say in important matters.”
For me, this contributed to my feeling out of control and not developing my own problem-solving skills.
“Don’t express negative feelings, “and “Don’t be too loud, proud, silly, etc.”
The message to me here was, stuff your feelings, pay attention to the temperature in the room, and adjust yourself to it.
“Don’t show your weaknesses,”
From which I interpreted as “don’t ask for help.”
“Obey authority; always be courteous. Mind your manners.”
For me, this evolved into people-pleasing and a lack of understanding of my wants and needs.
With all this in mind, it almost sounds like we must strive to be perfect individuals before teaching our children coping skills. However, that is not what I am suggesting. I encourage you to be self-aware and note what has worked for you and what you want to change. Keep in mind that you and your child can learn new skills together, which provides a valuable lesson in itself. Life is an ongoing learning process, and adapting to change can be beneficial. By seeing your willingness to learn and grow, children are more likely to develop a positive attitude toward adapting to change and recovering from hardships
In addition to the social and behavioral importance of having coping skills, research increasingly shows that children who go through significant stress or trauma, particularly when they lack sufficient coping mechanisms, may suffer damage to their cognitive development. This damage can impact essential areas such as learning, memory, attention, and executive functioning due to changes in brain structure and function during critical developmental periods.
“Evidence from past literature shows that experience of stress early in life is adversely associated with impairments in cognitive performance and emotion regulation. Knudsen argued that the experience of stress during the early sensitive period leads to altered plasticity of neuronal circuits. ”
1. Getting Started/Creating an Environment Conducive to Learning
After many blog articles, I am likely recognized for emphasizing the significance of self-awareness, self-examination, and achieving a balance in one’s life by dedicating time to physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health to promote and foster overall general health. But, in working with children, I would add that the teaching and home environments must also;
provide for a child’s basic needs (food, shelter, rest and playtime)
feelings of safety and
a sense of belonging.
2. Create a teaching environment that is conducive to learning…
Introduce new ideas when the environment is calm, during playtime, or by taking advantage of natural opportunities.
Teach a single concept using various formats and repeat it frequently.
For example, start by teaching a deep breathing exercise to help reduce stress. Practice the technique with the child. Take advantage of situations that arise where you can demonstrate the tool yourself when you feel frustrated (such as when you're stuck in traffic), and then encourage the child to use the technique on their own when they experience feelings of frustration or anger.
Be open to spontaneous teaching moments or revisiting past lessons when they arise naturally.
When you see someone else in person using a coping mechanism that might be effective for your child, use this opportunity to discuss the coping skill.
Learn to recognize and label feelings and differentiate between various levels of emotion.
For example, ask, “Are you feeling angry, or maybe just frustrated or annoyed?”
Be patient with your child and yourself. Allow yourself and them time to make mistakes and learn from these experiences.
Remember that it takes athletes years of training and practice before they master the high jump, run a sub-4-minute mile, or compete in the hurdles. You and your child both need practice and repetition before a new skill becomes a regularly used behavior.
Stay calm and self-regulate; try not to overreact. If you do, use it as a learning opportunity and a lesson to demonstrate that parents and adults make mistakes and can be accountable for them.
For example, when you lose your temper in traffic and yell at another car, take a moment to pause and breathe. Then, with your child, walk yourself through the events: reflect on your thoughts and feelings, evaluate what you did well, and consider what could be improved.
3. Tools
Learn and practice deep breathing techniques.
There are many options, but “box breathing” is an easy exercise to learn. Inhale slowly through your nose for a count of four, hold your breath for a count of four, exhale slowly for a count of four, and hold the exhalation for a count of four. Practice this as needed. Please not, it's normal to feel dizzy or light-headed at first, so don't be alarmed; simply return to your normal breathing patterns
Teach problem-solving skills (see the outline in the blog entry, “Raising Confident Kids”).
Utilize journaling or writing out your feelings. This might include writing what you are experiencing, what is troubling you or following a journal prompt.
Examples of journal prompts:
What are your biggest strengths, and how can you use them to achieve your goals?
What are some things that you are grateful for?
What are you struggling with right now?
Many journal prompts are available online for additional ideas
Express yourself in music, art, or other creative activity.
You can even use some of the same journal prompts to trigger creativity.
Burn extra energy by engaging in physical exercise, dancing, taking a brisk walk, or doing yard or housework.
Practice yoga or meditation. (especially as a family - to enjoy together.
You can take a class or find a YouTube exercise to follow.
Practice self-soothing techniques, develop a positive mindset, engage in mindful practices, and strive to adopt a positive attitude and speak positively about yourself, your family members, and others.
Mindfulness is a mental state that involves focusing on the present moment and acknowledging your feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. It also includes being aware of your self-talk and fostering positive attitudes and perspectives. Many resources are available for exploring mindfulness in books, magazines, and online.
Maintain and build connection with others, volunteering, participating in Support Groups
Encouraging active involvement with others outside of work or school is an excellent resource for improving health, learning new skills, and developing support networks.
Lastly, and importantly, Encourage media conservatism. We all spend significant amounts of time online, encountering negative content, cyberbullying, and social media pressures. Parents can assist by educating children to become wise digital consumers, challenge unrealistic ideals, and restrict screen time.
4. Putting This Into Practice
To help your child learn and incorporate coping skills into their daily routine, consider integrating these strategies into the family schedule. For instance, the entire family could join in a game of soccer or basketball in the yard or at a nearby park. Alternatively, you could have a regular Saturday morning at-home yoga class or organize an art session where everyone paints different representations of emotions such as love, kindness, fear, and anger. These activities promote family discussions about emotions and teach children coping skills in a supportive environment, rather than singling them out. Another option is to play basketball or have a game of catch in the yard.
I encourage you to take your time and concentrate on implementing one or two changes at a time. This approach will allow you to fully integrate the new skill into your daily routine, making it more effective and manageable. It's important not to overwhelm yourself or your family members during this process. Instead, aim for gradual progress, which can lead to lasting improvements without added stress. Break the changes down into small, actionable steps, and celebrate each accomplishment along the way to keep motivation high.
Benefits to the entire family
Teaching your children new coping skills can benefit the entire family, as our emotions are often interconnected. When our kids are happy and emotionally regulated, we, as parents, tend to feel more relaxed. Conversely, when parents are agitated, struggling, angry, or frustrated—regardless of how well we try to mask our feelings or shield our children from our challenges—they can still sense this and will respond to the overall emotional climate in the home.g singled out.
Summary
Managing emotions and staying calm during challenges is a skill that requires consistent practice, much like building muscle over time. It's important to remember that every child learns at their own pace and through different methods. What works for one person may not work for another. You can start teaching these skills at a young age and continue to develop them as your child grows and matures. The goal is to encourage lifelong habits that can enhance mental, emotional, and physical health.
Thank you for reading! I hope you found it helpful. If you think it could benefit someone else, please share it. Feel free to check out my other entries and return for more topics. Your support means a lot!
Please feel free to contact me via email if there is a topic you would like me to address. You can find my email address on my website.
Resources and for further information.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10502394/
Effects of early life stress on cognitive and affective function: an integrated review of human literature. Pechtel P, Pizzagalli DA. Psychopharmacology (Berl) 2011;214:55–70. doi: 10.1007/s00213-010-2009-2.
Sensitive periods in the development of the brain and behavior. Knudsen EI. J Cogn Neurosci. 2004;16:1412–1425. doi: 10.1162/0898929042304796.
Psychological and psychiatric impact of COVID-19 pandemic among children and adolescents. Deolmi M, Pisani F. Acta Biomed. 2020;91:0. doi: 10.23750/abm.v91i4.10870.
ehttps://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/15648277/
https://www.apa.org/topics/children/stress
https://www.nih.gov/health-information/emotional-wellness-toolkit#:~:text=Reduce%20stress,can%20also%20boost%20your%20resilience.