Codependency or Addiction, which came first?
Does it Even Matter?
I identify as a Recovering Alcoholic, Codependent, and Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACA). But what does that really mean, and which came first?
Upon initial observation, one might say that I was clearly a codependent/ACA first. I grew up in a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic dad and a mother who was an adult child of an alcoholic. My parents were children of immigrants and were striving to live the “American Dream.” They provided my brothers and me with a nice home, a good education, and exposure to religion and values. To the outside community, we looked pretty much like all of our other middle-class neighbors and friends. However, they both carried with them a family history of alcoholism and intergenerational trauma, and behind closed doors, we had many traits of a dysfunctional family;
· I had very strict and authoritarian parents who ruled by fear and manipulation.
· Keeping “the family business” (aka secrets) private was of utmost importance. Do not disgrace the family.
· Life was unpredictable, and we moved often. I went to four different elementary schools.
· There was pressure to be perfect—anything less than straight A’s was not acceptable; chores had to be done completely and perfectly in order to get recognition or compensation.
· Conflict was kept behind doors, and we were not taught conflict management skills. My parents might have a big fight in the evening, and when we woke up the next morning, everyone acted as if nothing had happened.
· Communication was always one way. Children were not allowed to have a voice or opinion.
· And there were few signs of tenderness and love.
Fueling my denial that I was not an alcoholic as a youth is that when I experimented with alcohol and marijuana as an adolescent, I really did not like the effects that they gave me. I felt like alcohol made me feel “out of control,” and pot/marijuana made me feel nervous and paranoid.
“Which, of course, were symptoms of my codependency.”
Let’s back up and review my definitions of an ACA and Codependency;
What is a child of an alcoholic? I believe the term is self-explanatory, but it is important to note that it also includes those who were raised in any type of dysfunctional family.
“Codependency” is not a medical term or a diagnosis.
I define codependency as a collection of traits or a set of maladaptive behaviors that one has adopted as a result of living with, or prolonged exposure to, addiction, family/work/school/religious dysfunction, or the mental illness of another person. It may also arise from unresolved trauma and can vary on a scale from minimal to severe.
A few of the traits associated with the terms ACA or Codependency include;
· Lack of attention to one’s own needs,
· Caretaking or being overly-responsible
· Difficulty with decision-making.
· Difficulty with trusting others or being too trusting.
· Confusing love and pity.
· Blaming or shaming yourself.
· Difficulty identifying feelings.
My most prominent ACA - traits and how they impacted my life –
· Controlling—I have always desired mastery over my life situations. I do not like surprises, trying new foods, or engaging in activities (like snow skiing) over which I feel I have little control.
· People–pleasing - I had difficulty saying no to requests for my time or energy, which resulted in feeling overwhelmed and resentful.
· Fear of abandonment and desperation for love and recognition resulted in my staying in abusive relationships longer than I should have, doing my best to be who you wanted me to become.
· Afraid of authority figures – easily manipulated, became tongue-tied, didn’t speak up for myself,
· Low Self-esteem – inherently, I did not feel I was worthy, and the only way I knew how to boost my opinion of myself was through achievement and recognition.
My main coping mechanism as an adolescent was escaping through athletics. I was a swimmer, and because no one would fault me for spending too much time training, I was able to avoid the problems and stress at home by escaping to the swimming pool or gym. I was able to numb the anger, sadness, and frustration that I did not know how to express. Swimming also gave me a group of friends, a source of some self-esteem, and the ultimate escape – a college scholarship far away from home.
In college, I studied what interested me most; psychology and social work. I embraced these studies and got involved in research and internships, working mainly with addiction, families, and children. My main coping skill of athletics expanded to academics, building a career in the helping profession, and seeking a meaningful relationship.
“Sidenote: many children who grow up in dysfunctional homes often struggle with mental health issues, partner with someone who has mental health issues, or go into the helping profession. ”
Early in my career, I began my own counseling and going to 12-step meetings. I began to work on some of my codependency issues.
But then came marriage and parenting. My family-of-origin dysfunctional traits began to sneak into my parenting and relationship skills. I strived to become the perfect parent; I set unrealistic expectations for myself and was confused as to why so many other moms seemed to be able to balance work, career, marriage, and parenting, and I could not. I began to struggle with depression but was too ashamed that I, (a social worker who should know how to take care of myself,) was falling apart. In retrospect, I can see that I had stopped most of my self-care habits.
I began relying on alcohol, and gradually, it went from casual use to abusive use to full-blown addiction. All along, I knew that since both my parents had alcoholism in their history, I might be carrying the genetic predisposition to addiction. But I chose to think that I was too smart, too wise to become an alcoholic or addict.
I am not going to dive into my sobriety story, but suffice it to say I had to go to treatment, learn how to stay sober, and create a foundation of sobriety skills. Which I did; I was a good student of “sobriety school,” I worked hard, and I embraced the principles and steps of AA.
But, at 6 months, when I experienced some setbacks. I found myself desperately unhappy, and I became profoundly depressed. This took a toll on my health, and I had to go back to therapy to address the inner child and family of origin issues. I chose to address my codependency, fear of rejection and abandonment, self-defeating behaviors, and people-pleasing and controlling behaviors. I joined an “Adult Child of Dysfunctional Family Therapy group for women. I returned to Alanon and ACA 12-step meetings to expand my group support. I worked the 12 steps of ACA, which helped me to understand the impact of the dysfunction of my family (without blaming my parents) on my current happiness and peace of mind.
So, it does not really matter which came first (addiction or codependency) or which one had the most destructive hold on my life. Both had to be addressed for me to find sobriety and personal peace. Both impact the other: my coping skills and my ability to weather difficult times.
And I want you to know that the work can be painful, But the benefit is a life so balanced that when difficulties arise, you can manage it without resorting back to the addiction or regressing to your childhood defense mechanisms. You deserve the best that sobriety/recovery has to offer. When you feel ready, i.e. stable in your foundation of sobriety skills, I encourage you to explore the inner child within you that is wanting so desperately to be acknowledged.
Please share this with anyone you feel it can help, and take a few minutes to check out some of the other blog entries.
For more information on Codependency, check out this article on Inner Child Healing…
Sources
Adult Children of Alcoholics Alcoholic/Dysfunctional Families (Hardcover) By Adult Children of Alcoholics (Author) ISBN 0978979702
https://coda.org/meeting-materials/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-