Grief and Me
A Raw, Vulnerable, and Personal Look at My Struggles with Grief
Spoilers alert… my grief was triggered by the a television series, and it isn't easy to share my story without revealing some of the events of the show.
I am struggling with my own grief today, and as it is natural for me to journal out my thoughts, I decided to turn these emotions and feelings into a blog article in hopes that it will benefit someone else.
This blog is not meant to be educational; it simply reflects my personal experience.
My history with grief and grieving
I struggle with grief and loss, particularly the grieving process, which I believe is rooted in my upbringing. My parents never allowed my brothers or myself to express "bad" or uncomfortable emotions. They shielded us from distressing news, especially the illnesses or deaths of extended family members. It was never discussed, and we were excluded from funerals and wakes. But, our family experienced considerable loss over the years. We moved frequently, often uprooting our lives and leaving behind friends and familiar surroundings. Family members occasionally came and went, creating an atmosphere of uncertainty and instability that made it challenging to form authentic connections. My father’s job changes added another layer of upheaval, as each new opportunity brought with it a fresh start and more transitions to navigate. In a sense, I feel like all of this occurred to my brothers and myself. We were never involved in any discussions regarding these changes to our lives and certainly never had a voice in any of the decision-making.
To make matters worse, the ongoing struggle with alcoholism in our home created a pervasive sense of tension and anxiety. This constant presence not only strained our family relationships but also complicated my ability to cope with the changes we faced. As we dealt with the ebb and flow of family dynamics, we were also grappling with the emotional turmoil that addiction brought into our lives.
I am not blaming my parents, but I think it's fair to say that I was never prepared for how to deal with change, loss, or especially death. I never saw my parents display sadness, much less cry. They always seemed to “maintain their composure” and focus on “the business at hand.” My parents had good intentions; they wanted to protect us and only passed down their own coping skills—or lack thereof—when faced with these kinds of struggles. But, I never learned how to deal with loss. I did not know how to express the emotions of sadness, much less identify them and process them.
“My main coping skill for dealing with the loss became to avoid and deny”
Grief and Alcoholism
While I don’t attribute my alcoholism solely to my grief, I recognize that it played a significant role. I believe that my descent into alcoholism was significantly triggered by my father's illness and death and my difficulty in processing the complex emotions that preceded and followed. Thus, when I got sober, it was essential for me to address the way I managed grief to prevent future losses from triggering my addiction.
I went to Rehab for my alcoholism, and before leaving the treatment center, I participated in an intensive grief therapy workshop that proved to be extremely helpful. Later in my recovery, I joined another grief group to continue working through my experiences with grief, the losses from my past, and the losses I had faced during my early sobriety and recovery journey.
Triggered
I continue to address my grief as I am not sure I will ever be completely healed of it. This became evident when, on a recent vacation, feelings of overwhelming grief were triggered by a television series in which the characters repeatedly experience tragedy and death. To clarify, my friend and I binge-watched the entire ten episodes of a show over a few days. It triggered many emotions, and by the end of the series, I recognized the need to process my emotions to find a way to manage my feelings and the memories that it stirred up.
Journaling
I have found that journaling or writing out my feelings is an excellent tool for me. It helps slow cyclical thinking and allows me to express myself authentically, free from embarrassment or judgment. Thus, as I sat down to write about my feelings, I began to notice a familiar pattern in how I cope with death and loss. I thought it would be helpful to share this observation with my readers.
This will be a chronological reflection on how I progressed through the painful feelings I experienced while watching the show. While editing this article, I recognized that it triggered my old feelings of abandonment and helplessness. I realize that my emotional response to the character's death was more about my own personal losses than about the character's death.
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn how to swim”
Significant events or turning points in the show.
I think it is important to begin by saying that I typically don't like movies or videos that contain excessive violence, sadness, or death and tend to choose other films that are educational, inspirational, or rom-coms. Thus, I avoid having to deal with the emotions that they trigger.
The show begins (and continues throughout) with struggle, hardship, and death as the characters build and create a wagon train to cross the frontier. At the very onset, supporting characters are dying from violence, accident, and illness.
My emotion is fear.
Behavior -I seek reassurance from my friend, who has already watched the series, and I plead with her to tell me that none of the main character’s family die due to their efforts. She reassures me, and I come to the intellectual conclusion that I must accept the losses and deaths of the supporting characters.
I continue to watch, focusing on the storyline rather than the death.
The narrator's tone seems to be somber and reserved.
Feeling/emotion -Dread and emotional pain arise.
Thought process- I still want to live in the fantasy and hope for a happily ever after. Although I know that death is inevitable for other characters, I tend to intellectualize and rationalize my feelings, focusing more on the movie script than on my emotions. There is also a subtle amount of desensitization to violence and death.
Behavior - I am trying to control my emotions. I am beginning to predict and prepare myself for future drama.
Dissent and conflict arise among the characters. Death and tragedy are ongoing in the series, and the conflict only exasperates the problems.
Emotion - Anger and frustration.
Thought Process - “Why can’t these characters see that they are setting themselves up for failure?”
Behavior - Control - I find myself seeking reassurance again from my friend. I cling to the fact that she tells me that no one in the main character’s family dies. I begin to distract myself by checking my email and social media while watching the show to avoid giving the television my full attention.
The main character has a life-threatening injury.
Emotion - shock, disbelief, which evolves into relief when the character is able to get help.
Behavior - Bargain and denial - I seek reassurance and clarity, which was needed to prepare me for the outcome (controlling my emotions). I asked my friend, who confirmed that she would indeed die. I try to intellectualize my way out of the feelings.
It becomes evident that the main character is going to die. I want to quit. I wanted to turn the show off, but my friend encouraged me to watch it, saying there would be a happy ending.
Emotions - fear, frustration, embarrassment, anger. I feel embarrassed by my level of emotion.
Behavior—Rationalization. I tried to control a measurable amount of my emotions by speaking aloud about the pain to my friend. I clung to the idea that there would be a happy ending.
The show extends out the death and dying process of the main character -
Emotions - Frustration and sadness - I experience physical pain from stuffing my feelings.
Behavior - I fight hard to suppress my feelings but ultimately surrender, never allowing myself to experience the pain entirely. A few tears escaped, but my head aches with the need to have a full-blown sob-fest
The show demonstrates all the supporting characters' struggles to accept the death of the main character.
Emotion - Eagerness to find relief. I become willing, but not accepting of the need for the character to die. for the plotline
Thought process - Intellectualization and Distraction. I began to relate to my own experience with the deaths of my parents and how knowing that they were dying (in Hospice) helped prepare me for accepting their deaths.
Behavior - Still stuffing my feelings, struggling to accept the plot line.
The show ends, and death brings meaning to the plotline.
Emotion - Sadness evolving into depression. I feel the heavy weight of depression coming over me.
Thought process - My thoughts begin to spiral into negative self-talk, questioning my past experiences with loss, regrets over unsaid goodbyes, etc. actions, etc.
Behavior - Problem Solving. I stop the spiraling. I recognize that it is late at night, that I am tired, and that I am more vulnerable to this dysfunctional, cyclical thinking. I sit by myself quietly for a few minutes and then join my friend, who has gone outside for a cigarette.
Side note: I am not denying my emotions here; I acknowledge that I will manage them better when I am well-rested. I permit myself to set aside these feelings until the next day.
The next day - The feelings are still there, but at a level I deem more manageable.
Emotions - sadness, some feelings of regret
Thought process - I gain more clarity. I looked at the messages that were shared during the final episodes, and I understand the necessity of the death of the character.
Behavior - I spoke with my friend and shared what I was experiencing the previous night and that I am still processing the emotions. I state the need to journal about it and work through the emotions the film triggered
““A broken heart is like a flat tire. Waiting for time to heal your heart without taking action, is like waiting for air to jump back into a flat tire,”
My experience and process
This was my experience with grief. I’m not claiming it was right or wrong; it simply is what it is. I am still learning and growing, and I believe that by taking the time to understand myself and my patterns, I will be better equipped to handle future losses. Each of us has our own way of managing grief, and since I know that I am far from an expert in this area, I felt that the best way I could help others with their grief is by sharing my experience.
As I edit this entry, I continue to recognize my typical pattern in navigating grief. I move through stages of denial and avoidance before seeking reassurance. I often feel the urge to give up, but ultimately, I feel compelled to surrender to the outcome. Frequently, I shift into analytical thinking and rationalization to help me accept the concept of death and my inability to control it. At some point, I find hope in my spiritual beliefs, which reassure me that the end of this life on Earth does not signify the end of our existence and the promise that I may see my loved ones again.
A word about editing
I must say that when transferring words from my journal to my blog, this entry has evolved since I first put them to paper. Initially, my emotions were raw—angry and hurt. However, as I edited the blog entry, the perspective and understanding I gained softened my viewpoint and deepened my comprehension of the situation. I also became much more self-analytical than I was when I first wrote my thoughts down.
My takeaways
I still carry unresolved grief
One of the most important takeaways I have from this experience is acknowledging that I still have a lot of unresolved grief to process. As a result, my current experiences with grief feel amplified. This aligns with what James and Friedman discuss in their book, where they propose that grief accumulates if not addressed over time. This is why the loss of my father felt so dramatic and overwhelming; I wasn't just grieving his death, but also the losses of other family members, the moves we made, and the friends I lost along the way.
Avoidance, intellectualization, etc. do not make the pain go away
I have learned to "table or set aside" my emotions related to grief when I am hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. During these times, I find it more difficult to process my feelings. However, I make it a point to revisit the event or my emotions the following day or schedule a specific time to address them later.
I still get embarrassed by my grief.
I feel uncomfortable sharing this with others. I believe this stems from my upbringing, where we were discouraged from showing vulnerability or weakness. I need to focus on this task, but be self-compassionate as it is a process.
Journaling will always be my favorite way to cope with challenges.
Self-care is essential.
I am becoming better at self-disclosing and asking for help. I continue striving to balance my work, family, social, spiritual, physical, and emotional needs.
Additional tools for coping with Grief
As usual, I feel the need to switch into teaching mode and provide a few additional tools to help you or a loved one manage their grief.
Take care of yourself by exercising regularly, eating healthy foods, and getting enough sleep.
Choose what is best for you. Everyone's reaction to loss and the grieving process is unique. Others may offer unsolicited advice or make comments that can feel uncomfortable. Do not let others tell you how you should be feeling, what you should be doing, or how quickly you should “get over” your grief.
I have learned in these situations to keep my response brief and say, “Thank you for this.”
Express yourself; do not hold your emotions in for too long. You can do this by writing, dancing, singing, creating art, or talking with caring friends who are good listeners.
Try to avoid making major changes immediately. Adding stress to your current living situation is not advisable. In a year, you'll have a better perspective on the need for changes and how to implement them.
Maintain or return to your regular routine as soon as you feel comfortable.
Get outside to enjoy the sunshine and take walks in nature. Do not isolate in your home or office.
Do not self-medicate with alcohol, drugs, or other addictive behaviors. Instead, try meditation, mindfulness, or deep breathing to manage your emotions.
Check out any of the podcasts listed below for further support.
Talk to your doctor if your grief turns into depression or you experience significant eating and or sleeping disruptions.
Recognize there is a distinction between grief and depression.
I will write about this in a future blog article.
Expect your grief to come and go in waves. You may feel great one day and not be able to get out of bed the next. This is a normal part of the process.
Rely on your faith or spirituality.
Finally, practice patience, kindness, and self-compassion. Treat yourself as gently as you would a friend or family member who is experiencing loss. Don't hesitate to seek professional therapy, coaching, or support groups. You do not have to be alone in this journey.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I hope this has been helpful. If you believe it will benefit someone else, please share it. Also, check out some of my other entries and return for more topics.
Please feel free to email me if you have a topic you want me to address. The address is located on my website.
Resources
Rebuilding Relationships in Recovery: How to Connect with Family and Close Friends After Active Alcoholism and Addiction- By Janice V. Johnson Dowd, 2025
The Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition. The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death Divorce and Other Losses, including Health Career and Faith by John W. James and Russell Friedman
Podcasts (and IG accounts)
The Growing Up Grieving Podcast - with Cait Medungo
The Grief Informed Podcast - with Rachel Garcia
The Sol Rising Podcast - with Amanda McKoy Flanagan
There are numerous resources on the internet, social media, and Instagram. Here are a few I have followed for some time;
@jennifervinson_griefcoach
@mothersgrief journey