Parent Shaming
Do you question or doubt your own parenting skills due to the judgment or criticism of outside people or institutions?
The distinction between shame and guilt is that guilt arises from feeling bad about something you did, while shame arises from feeling bad about who you are.
-Emily Dickinson, LPC
I would define "parent shaming" as the act of deliberately or unintentionally criticizing or judging someone's parenting skills and behaviors. It can take many forms and occurs for various reasons. For many parents, this can lead to self-doubt, making them feel as though they are inadequate or not doing enough. I believe it is more common than most realize, and many experience it to varying degrees. I think there are two main types of parent shaming:
External: that which comes mainly from friends, family, and institutions (for example, your children’s school, coaches, or medical professionals.)
Internal; that which we impose upon ourselves.
“Shame is a painful emotion caused by feelings of guilt, shortcomings, regret, impropriety, dishonor, or self-hate.”
External Types of Parent Shaming Questioning
“Challenging” a parent’s judgment or opinion.
“Judging” a parent for choosing a certain behavior or activity. (“oh, you are not going to breastfeed)
“Shaming” a parent for the time they allow their child to watch tv, play computer games, be on their phone, etc.
“Refusing” to follow the parent or guardian’s guidelines, rules, or boundaries.
Using the excuse, “It is easier to ask forgiveness than to get permission,” thus ignoring the parent/guardian’s preferences.
“Offering” unwanted advice or opinions.
“Gaslighting” - making the parent feel like they are somehow at fault for circumstances beyond their control.
“Criticizing” a parent's approach to discipline, housekeeping, cooking, etc.
“Diminishing” a person’s opinion about important topics.
“Making comparisons” to other people, books, or media advice.
“Using sarcasm and put-downs” toward the parents or guardians for themselves, their ideas, or opinions, especially in front of the child.
“Arguing” with the parent, especially in front of the children.
“Being competitive” - trying to “out do”, be more successful or gain greater favor with the child. For example, “Grandma provides the healthiest meals, best cookies,” etc..
“Blaming” a parent for their child's behavior.
Examples of Shaming Questions and Statements
“Why isn’t your baby … (walking, talking, eating solid foods, etc.)?”
“Why are you doing it that way?”
“Are you going to let your kids eat that?”
“You must be tired from working all day.”
“It must be nice not to work.”
“What do you do all day?”
“I would never let my child behave that way.”
“Oh, you do it that way?’ or “If you just try it this way, then maybe…”
“We have decided that when we become parents, we will never do this/that/etc…”
“Well… to each their own…”
“I have never had that type of problem with my kids.”
“I can’t believe that they (treat/feed/discipline, etc. ) their kids like that.”
“What kind of mother/father lets their child act like that?”
“ I wish someone had shared this information with me when my children were young and I was in my 30s. I recall thinking much of the time that I could never do enough for my kids. I thought something was wrong with me because I had difficulty balancing my time between career and parenting. I observed other mothers who seemed to be able to do it all, and I measured myself against them and perceived myself to be failing at both.”
Internal Types and Examples of Parent Shaming
These are the thoughts and feelings that we tell ourselves about our parenting. They can be influenced by friends or family, the content we see on social media, comparing ourselves to others, or by the messages we received from our childhood or wounds in adulthood.
They may be fueled by;
Feelings of being overwhelmed
Lack of sleep, physical tiredness, diet deficiencies.
Little to poor training in healthy parenting skills, time management, etc.
Lack of emotional or physical support.
Physical or mental challenges.
Financial Struggles.
Self-doubt, “Imposter Syndrome.” Negative Self-Talk
Examples of Negative Self-Talk
“It is easier to do things myself”
“I can’t believe I yelled again”
“There is never enough time”
“Why can’t I get this right?”
“I should …”
“I can’t keep up…”
How to Combat Both External and Internal Forms of Parent Shaming
Self-Awareness and Identification
The first step is to become aware of the messages you receive from others and institutions.
Set boundaries with the “haters.” Detatch from negative people.
This may be easier said than done, but any small steps will help. (see the tool in the next section)
Don’t try to explain or justify your motivation, reasoning or behaviors with people who don’t support you..
If you try to explain your reasons, you invite the other individual to continue asking questions or making statements.
For the people you can not avoid or the circumstances that arise unexpectedly, I recommend having a catch-phrase or two as a response;
“Thank you for your opinion. I will consider it.”
“Maybe we can discuss this another time; for now, I would love to hear more about…” (and pick a topic)
“It’s a decision that my partner and I have made.”
“I prefer not to discuss this right now. “
Build a strong support network.
This can include friends and family, as well as educational, spiritual, or religious resources that can allow you to express your frustrations and hear how other parents have managed similar problems.
Set reasonable expectations for yourself. Stop comparing yourself to others, especially on social media. Limit your “screen time.”
Remember that much of what is represented on social media often highlights primarily the positive experiences, not the actual struggles of parenting.
Don’t try to duplicate every fun and creative idea or activity that you see on TV, social media or in magazines.
On a personal note, over the years, I have seen fabulous ideas about fun and creative activities that I would have liked to experience with my children. But with four children, I rarely had time to actually follow through on most of them. I have learned to appreciate and take advantage of the art and music teachers at my children’s schools and sign them up for extracurricular classes and activities.
Delegate responsibilities and swap talents with friends, neighbors, and family.
For example, When my children were little, I often swapped babysitting with a couple of my friends who had children of similar ages, taking turns watching each other’s kids. I also tried to sign my children up for the same activities as my neighbor's kids so that we could share carpooling.
Hire babysitters, housekeepers, and yard care workers when necessary.
Treat yourself to a beautiful appointment calendar.
Don’t overbook or overcommit yourself. Be comfortable saying no to requests for your time.
Strive to maintain balance in your life by committing time to the four pillars of health: physical, social (including recreational), mental, and spiritual well-being.
It is not selfish to take time for yourself. Feel free to schedule time for self-care activities, time with friends, and so on.
When to get professional help.
Seeking professional help from coaching, therapy, or a spiritual advisor is commendable. Having once struggled to ask for help myself, I now see it as a sign of strength. Looking back, I realize I could have greatly benefited from counseling when my children were young, as much of my distress stemmed from unresolved childhood issues. Today, there are numerous resources available for seeking help, both in-person and online.
You don’t have to have significant distress to decide to go to counseling… however, here are a few signs that you could benefit from specialized attention:
Your current discomfort is affecting your ability to do daily activities such as eating, sleeping, and working or going to school.
Self-help options have not helped.
You are not able to turn off your thoughts.”
You sleep, eat, or exercise significantly more or less than usual.
You have lost interest in activities that you used to enjoy.
You feel hopeless or have reached a point where you don’t know what to do anymore.
You have thoughts of hurting yourself or others.
Summary
Most of our friends and family have good intentions when they give us advice about parenting. I don’t think they realize just how physically tired we are and the hormonal changes that our bodies experience once we become parents. But we have to learn to speak up for ourselves, set boundaries, and ask for help when we need it.
I hope this has been helpful. I wrote it in a manner that I wish I had seen when I needed this type of support. I welcome any of your thoughts…
“Healing the Shame that Binds You,” by John Bradshaw | Oct 15, 2005
“Rebuilding Relationships in Recovery,” by J. V. Johnson Dowd, 2025
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/shame#:~:text=%3A%20a%20painful%20emotion%20caused%20by,the%20susceptibility%20to%20such%20emotion
https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/shame#:~:text=Shame%20is%20a%20painful%20feeling,miserable%20feelings%20of%20them%20all.