Giving Up Alcohol? How to Tell Friends and Family You Are Not Drinking
While gaining their support and not raising criticism.
Congratulations, choosing to give up drinking alcohol is a healthy and personal choice. It is great when you have a supportive family or friend group, but how do you tell these people in a manner that rallies support and understanding, not skepticism?
Many of us have rocky or turbulent histories when it comes to our behavior while drinking. We may have said or done things we regret, and not everyone will trust your effort or support you initially. But remember, the decision to stop drinking is your decision, and you only really have to answer to yourself. Share this news with others as good news in an optimistic manner. Begin with those closest to you who will most likely support your efforts. Let’s begin with a little more self-exploration in order to boost your self-confidence and commitment to this decision.
What is your why?
Why am I making this decision?
What is my intention in sharing this news?
What do I hope to gain in return?
What is my current level of confidence in my alcohol-free lifestyle?
First and Foremost! Honor Other’s Boundaries.
If you are a parent or have a partner or spouse, I think it is essential to understand your family’s or closest friends’ feelings and wishes about disclosing this information to mutual friends or family. I encourage the first discussions you have to be with your partner, spouse, children, employer (when necessary), and closest friends. Find out what their comfort level is when you share this information. Keep in mind that they will likely also be approached with questions after your disclosure.
For example, in early sobriety, I experienced “pink cloud” moments where I became very proud of my sobriety, and I wanted to explain my absence (during treatment) and tell all of my acquaintances about the positive changes in my life. I was excited to display my key tags ( representations of time in sobriety) and recovery jewelry. However, my family still felt a lot of embarrassment over the fact that I was proclaiming to be an alcoholic, and they were not ready for me to disclose this news. So, I withheld any personal information for a while and chose softer, less revealing answers to questions about my abstinence from drinking ….
“I am cutting back for health reasons,”
“I am trying to get back into running,”
“I am trying to cut back on sugar, and alcohol is full of sugar.”
“I am just taking a break from alcohol.”
When you do decide to reveal your alcohol-free or sober status, it is wise to be prepared for the concerns and questions that may follow. So, let’s take some time to prepare ourselves for the many varied reactions we may receive with a few helpful tips on answering those questions.
10 Quick Tips
Prevention and Planning can remove a great deal of stress from beginning to share your news and managing the questions and concerns that arise.
Commit to your decision. Be aware of your current level of discipline about not drinking. Ask yourself if you are ready to receive disbelief or discouragement from family and friends.
Decide whether or not to announce this information or just provide it to people who ask. Decide when and where to do this.
It is acceptable to avoid the people who might choose to make you feel uncomfortable.
Have multiple answers prepared ahead of time for follow-up questions. (see notes below)
State your intention to go alcohol-free with confidence, regardless of how confident you are. Be honest, don’t over-disclose
When questions arise, answer immediately, make eye contact, and be direct and short. No need to provide a lengthy explanation.
Be prepared to change the subject (have this prepared in advance).
For example,
you - “I am just not drinking tonight.”
another person - “Why not?”
you - “I am training for a 5k.”
another person - “What does that have to do with it?”
you - “Let me tell you more about the race that is coming up. Would you like to train with me?”
Practice saying no in multiple ways (see ideas below)
Bring an ally along with you who can help change the subject. Have an exit plan if things get too uncomfortable.
Don’t make assumptions about the motives behind another’s questions.
For example, Mardi Gras is a prominent holiday season in my hometown. The parades, activities, and balls can last up to two months; drinking is included in all these activities. One year, my co-workers asked me about how much I drank when I was in active alcoholism. I assumed that they were curious about my drinking…. but after some reflection, I realized they were looking for a barometer of what “normal drinking” versus “alcoholic drinking” might look like during this holiday period. Consider asking others to define their question further.
Continue to build non-drinking social friends and events where there will be no pressure to drink. Take pride in yourself and in this decision.
“Would You Like A Drink or Why Aren’t you Drinking Tonight?
(some short, quick responses...)
-No, thank you, I’m not drinking tonight.
-I’m taking a medication that I can’t mix with alcohol.
-I am good – thanks anyway.
-No thanks – I’m taking a break from drinking.
-No thanks – I’m tonight’s designated driver.
-That’s OK; I don’t drink. What else do you have? Do you have soda water?
-No thanks, I’ve got an early start tomorrow, or I have an early appointment.
-No thanks, I’m on a health kick right now.
-Thanks, but I took a break from alcohol and really like the difference.
-I decided to make some changes in my life, and alcohol was one of them. Thanks for your offer, though
-I appreciate the offer, but I’m cutting back. ”
Here are a few answers for the more difficult questions.
Why are you not drinking?
I’ve been thinking about it for a while now, and it’s not working for me anymore.
I feel so much better without it.
Is this going to be permanent? Are you never going to drink again?
Yes, but I’m just trying to take it day by day right now.
That’s my hope and plan, yes.
What is going to be different this time? What makes you think you can do it now when you could never commit to this before?
You have every right to your feelings and to be skeptical.
I have a better plan for this time, and I can share it with you later if you like.
Yes, it will be hard. Is there a way I could get your support?
They push you with direct or indirect pressure—“Ah, come on, just one (drink) won’t hurt…”
I appreciate your offering, but honestly, I feel much better when I’m not drinking.
I’ve realized I’m much happier without a drink, but thanks for the offer.
I’ve had some health effects from drinking, so I’m focusing on taking care of myself right now.
Please don’t let my decision stop you from having a drink. I’m happy hanging out with my water, soda, or soft drink.
They want to take advantage of the situation to remind you of your past bad behavior or vent their angry feelings.
I really want to hear your thoughts about this; how about we meet for coffee one day this week? (call them later in the week, even if they say no.)
I want you to know that I have made many mistakes and hope to make it up to you someday. When can we meet to speak about this one-on-one?
You run into an old acquaintance who suggests you meet at a bar or restaurant to catch up.
I would love that, but how about we meet at a coffee shop (or for lunch) instead?
They ask, “How did you get sober or go alcohol-free?” You will be pleasantly surprised by the number of people asking for your help.
I am so glad you asked. I would be happy to share more with you later.
It’s had its ups and downs, but I'd happily tell you more about it.
They ask for help to get sober, cut back, or go alcohol-free.
I would be happy to help you get started, share my experience, and help you find the resources that work best for you.
Helping others is admirable and one of the tools that many “old-timers” use to help them maintain their recovery. However, it can be stressful, and if you are early in your journey to go alcohol-free, do not try to help another person alone.
Your true friends will show up for you (eventually).
It might take some patience or periods of adjustment, but the friends who care about you won’t judge you.
In Closing,
Because I believe so strongly in The Disease Concept of Addiction, I am personally very confident in my sobriety and comfortable sharing that I have struggled with alcoholism, depression, and anxiety.
The biggest struggles for me in self-disclosure have been to;
honor my family members’ feelings about not disclosing this information without understanding their preferences,
not oversharing my experience, and
not letting my enthusiasm for sobriety sound like an advertisement for going alcohol-free
I have learned to be empathetic to the differing opinions of each of my children. I keep in mind that they all have different levels of acceptance and understanding. In turn, each of them has friends who have varying opinions on alcoholism, addiction, and mental health. I offer opinions and information when requested and try to plant seeds along the way.
I encourage you to start slowly with people you believe will support you. Be prepared for backlash but continue to remind yourself that this is your decision, your business and that with time, this process wukk become easier.
I hope this has been helpful. If you believe it will benefit someone else, please share it. Also, check out some of my other entries and keep coming back for more topics.
Please feel free to email me if you have a topic that you would like me to address. The address is located on my website.