From Housewife to Homeless
Why inner-child work was an essential part of my finding serenity in sobriety.
As I left my drug and alcohol rehabilitation facility and began my aftercare treatment, I was tired of group therapy and looked forward to individual therapy and practicing my newly found sobriety tools. I chose to go to a halfway house for continued support and structure rather than returning home. Upon meeting my therapist for the first time, I recall saying to her, "I am willing to continue my therapy, but I am tired of working in a group setting, and I don't want to deal with any of my 'family of origin' issues."
This approach worked well for me for almost six months. I was a compliant and willing patient, sponsee, and halfway house resident. I built a foundation of sobriety skills that have helped me maintain my sobriety ever since. However, I was unwilling to address the old wounds from my dysfunctional childhood and marriage until I experienced a soul-crushing loss. As a result, I got kicked out of the halfway house where I was living.
My initial reaction was shock and denial. I thought I had been a good resident and a role model; I had followed (most) of the rules. However, I was not addressing my codependency and ACA issues and had failed to look at how they impacted my relationships with my family and friends. I did not see that without having alcohol as a way to escape my fears and numb my pain, I fell back upon the coping mechanisms of my childhood, which included denial, acting very superficially, trying to keep everyone happy, not being able to say no, being afraid of authority figures and the ever-present yoke around my neck, fear of rejection and abandonment.
“I had to go back to the source, I had to go back to the abandonment issues that I had with my mother. I had to go into issues with my father, I had never looked at before.”
As the realization settled in and I looked at my current position, I realized that I was figuratively homeless. I could not return home for fear that my family would not understand why I had been thrown out of the halfway house. I felt certain that this information might be used against me in family court. The women at the halfway house (who had become my new family) were no longer allowed to speak to or see me. The only support system that I had now were my sponsors, therapist, and the superficial relationships I had built at my part-time job and AA meetings. My sponsor allowed me to live with her for one week while I looked for a new place to live, but I had a very limited budget, and the first few sober living homes I applied to either rejected me or were too costly. I fell into a deep depression, which lasted for months.
“I managed to stay sober through all of this. I attribute that to the sobriety skills that I had diligently practiced: daily meetings, talking to my sponsor regularly, staying away from triggers, and working the steps.”
However, this event forced me to examine what was missing from my recovery program…Which was inner-child work and addressing the dysfunctional patterns that developed in my childhood and were still impacting my relationships, my marriage, and my parenting skills. These included;
Fear of rejection and abandonment,
having no identity other than the ones that I let other people label on me,
avoidance and procrastination,
people pleasing, not being able to say no, and acting very superficially,
not being able to ask for help and
avoiding conflict
The lingering depression and the gentle interventions by my sponsor and therapist helped me to become willing to look at what were the underlying causes of my discontent and my failure to repair the relationships with my children and family. I gradually began the work of examining my childhood and adult trauma. I continued individual therapy, but I also joined a therapy group for women who had grown up in a dysfunctional family. I worked the steps of the Adult Child of Alcoholics 12-step program. I maintained my sobriety. I became less fearful, and I began to step back into my family's lives. It was painful and difficult. I made many mistakes, but I did not give up.
Please share this with anyone you feel it can help, and take a few minutes to check out some of the other blog entries.
More information on how having a wounded inner child impacts you in your relationships and your parenting is coming soon.
