Finding My Inner Strength on the Appalachian Trail
I am often asked why I backpack a section of the Appalachian Trail each year…
For me, it is not a vacation but a physical and mental challenge, an endurance event that usually lasts 10-20 days. It is empowering to climb mountains, hike 12-16 miles daily with all your basic needs in a backpack, camp alone, encounter wildlife, lean into your fears, and push beyond them. It is a crash course in strength training and confidence building, learning to depend on yourself and everything you can carry, and occasionally accepting the kindness of strangers.
In 2017, 4 years sober and still repairing my relationships with my children. My daughter and I decided to walk the Camino de Santiago, a 550-mile hike across Northern Spain. I envisioned this trip not only as an opportunity to continue to heal my relationship with my daughter but also to repair the self-esteem that I had lost during active alcoholism. Unfortunately, I broke my leg just prior to our departure date and could not go with her on this adventure. However, the training and preparation instilled in me a desire to backpack, and I set my goals on hiking a 70-mile section of the Appalachian Trail instead.
The AT (Appalachian Trail) is a 2,200-mile hike stretching from Georgia to Maine. It is a challenging, rugged, and primitive trail. You must carry everything you need (food, shelter, and clothing) in your pack and may hike for up to 7 days without resupply. Completing the entire trail generally takes 5-7 months. I set my sights on a much smaller and more reasonable goal: the first 70 miles. I had been a distance swimmer and runner all my life, right up until my fourth child, participating in local runs, triathlons, etc. It was not only a way for me to keep in shape, but it served as a mental health coping mechanism. In my youth, my self-confidence and self-esteem were largely based on being an athlete. But I gave it up when I began drinking. Now sober, pushing myself physically on the AT was going to be a final exercise in reminding myself of my resiliency and my ability to overcome addiction and find myself again.
Despite having prepared as much as I could physically and mentally and gathering all the gear that I needed, my experience was grueling. It rained almost every day. It was much colder in the mountains than I expected, and my sleeping bag was not rated warm enough. I chafed so badly on my inner thighs that they bled. I didn’t sleep well because of the mice that ran over my sleeping bag at night. It took me nine days to hike a little more than 70 miles. (I averaged about 8 miles of hiking daily, which would be considered a particularly slow pace. Most thru-hikers attempt 15-20 miles a day.) But I was determined not to quit, no matter how slowly I moved along the trail. I completed that section with only a few bruises on my body and ego. I hated it and loved it. It was the hardest thing that I had done since giving birth to my children. It was exhausting, ego-busting, and exhilarating.
One of the amazing benefits of hiking the trail is that you are removed from almost all daily distractions. There is little to no cell service. I start every day hiking in silence, letting my thoughts run free and allowing the sounds of nature and the pace of my walk to lull me into a meditative and healing state. I often use this time to talk to my higher power and grieve the people I have lost. I find that I can speak to them as if they were there, and in my mind’s voice, I can hear what they would say back to me if they could.
I like to hike alone throughout the day, stopping when my body needs a rest and hiking at my own pace. But I prefer to make camp in the company of others. I find that groups offer safety at night, and the camaraderie of sitting around a campfire with other hikers, sharing tips and tools, offers an opportunity to meet and enjoy people as they truly are. Hiking the trail removes most of the facades we wear to impress others; it does not matter what you do for a living, what kind of car you drive, or how big your house is.
I return to hike a section of the AT every year. Since that first year, I have never had to hike in such bad conditions. I have now completed over 1100 miles of the trail. I am working my way northward from Georgia to Maine. I have grown in many ways; I have overcome my fears of sleeping alone, encountering bears, and bad weather. I love backpacking now, but it is no longer because I have something to prove to myself. It is because of spending time in nature, no phones, no people, and no distractions. It centers me, helps me find balance, and, most of all, reminds me to be grateful for all of the things that I have at home: my family, my work, and indoor plumbing.
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