Anger and Conflict Management for Children
An Introductory Guide for Parents and Guardians
“Sometimes mad means sad. It can also mean anxious, afraid, overwhelmed, or any of a variety of emotions.”
Tricia Goyer
Providing children of all ages with the language and tools they need to express their emotions can greatly assist them in managing anger, other feelings, and resolving conflicts as they grow. This helpful foundation prepares them for successful relationships in every aspect of life, including work, home, parenting, and personal happiness.
I believe that the foundation of teaching and nurturing these skills starts with;
Providing a safe home environment
Education and information
Parent modeling
Preventative information and activities
Learning new tools
Practicing the behaviors and having consistent responses by authority figures.
Providing a safe home environment
What am I referring to when discussing a safe home environment without delving deeply into psychotherapeutic theory?
Simply put:
Children’s basic needs must be met, including adequate nutrition, shelter, rest, and physical and emotional safety.
Routine and structure are ideal but having a stable environment with consistency from the main caregivers.
Children need to feel cared for and nurtured, thy need to feel like they belong.
Children need respect and recognition. They should have a voice and be able to express themselves appropriately without fear, dismissal, or ridicule.
Children need to be offered guidance and discipline throughout their childhood that evolves as they age and mature. (Watch for an upcoming journal entry on understanding and promoting healthy growth and development.
Let’s begin by embracing the following premises
We can group all the emotions into six core categories or types; anger, sadness, happiness, fear, disgust, and surprise.
All emotions are valid; none is superior to another, although individuals may find some easier to manage. This varies from person to person. For instance, I find sadness or grief to be the hardest emotions to express. When I struggle to do so, it may seem as if I am unaffected by loss, disinterested or uncaring.
Emotions and Feelings are different -
Emotions refer to the physiological response to a stimulus, such as a surge of chemicals in the body, like adrenaline, when you see an angry dog barking at you. In contrast, feelings are the conscious interpretation and experience of those emotions, shaped by personal thoughts, memories, and experiences.
Don’t presume that you know what your child is thinking or how they are feeling. The best way to find out is to ask them, listen actively, clarify, ask them what they need, and offer them appropriate responses or ways to manage these feelings.
Teaching your child to recognize and express their feelings is a continuous process that requires modeling, patience, and repetition.
Change begins with the Parent or Guardian
Parental Modeling:
Children learn by observing. A child’s most significant period of behavioral learning is from birth to age five. During this time, a child's brain develops rapidly and lays the groundwork for their future learning, behavior, and health. So, parents should demonstrate healthy coping and anger management skills themselves.
It may not be a popular opinion, but the next step in helping your child manage their feelings is to examine and be aware of your own emotions and behaviors. Take time for some self-reflection - how do you currently manage angry feelings, what do you do well, and what would you like to change?
Offer yourself some compassion as you do this; there is no shame in admitting that we are lacking in this area. Many of us came from families where we weren’t allowed to express many of our thoughts and feelings. Or we were shut down as soon as we tried to express them. In teaching your child how to manage anger and conflict, you offer yourself the opportunity to learn and grow.
Consider asking yourself some of the following questions.
What triggers my anger and negative responses?
What coping mechanisms do I use when stressed?
What support systems are available to me? Who can I talk to?
Can I step back to catch my breath and gather my thoughts before saying or doing something I regret later?
How can I slow my response rate to other’s actions, behaviors, or feelings?
How do others perceive my behavior? Am I open to receiving feedback about it?
What physical sensations accompany my emotions?
What coping skills do I currently have (exercise, meditation, deep breathing) to control my physiological responses?
Is there another way to look at anger-triggering situations? Are my expectations of myself and others reasonable?
What is one small thing I can change today?
“Where there is anger, there is always pain underneath.”
Preventative tools
As with most conflict resolution, taking preventative measures before anger or conflict resolution is the best place to start.
Ensure that everyone has sufficient nutrition, rest, and social and emotional support systems.
Emotional Recognition and Awareness:
Start early by helping children recognize and label their feelings. Start by labeling emotions as you observe them, using simple words like "happy," "sad," "angry," and "scared." Be sure to ask (rather than tell) them if this is what they are feeling.
Teach that all emotions, including anger, are valid.
Trigger identification:
Help them identify situations or behaviors that commonly trigger their anger so they can recognize when they're starting to feel upset.
Teach Emotional Accountability:
Help children understand the concept that no one makes you angry. We all have control over our actions and responses to emotions.
Parents -Take responsibility for your mistakes.
I believe there are few things as valuable as a child realizing that their parents are not perfect and are committed to personal growth and change.
Tools to help your child manage anger include:
Stay calm yourself. Do not raise your voice.
Offer compassion and connection first, not punishment.
Validate your child’s feelings.
For example, “It looks like you are angry with this situation. Am I right, or is something else going on?” (Fear can often be mislabeled as anger)
Calming Strategies/Deep Breathing Exercises:
Teach simple breathing techniques like taking slow, deep breaths to calm down when angry.
Time- Outs
Taking a time-out is meant to allow the individual to calm down rather than react impulsively. Time-outs are self-imposed; they are not enforced by others. Ensure they are not used as punishment.
Create a "Calm Down Corner":
Designate a safe, quiet area where children can retreat to cool off when necessary, furnished with calming activities such as sensory toys.
"I" Statements:
Encourage children to express their feelings using "I" statements like "I feel frustrated when..." to communicate needs clearly without blaming others.
Listening
Teach strategies like active listening, taking turns speaking, and brainstorming solutions to manage emotions, problem-solve, and resolve conflicts peacefully.Communication skills:
Encouraging open and respectful expression of feelings, using "I" statements to communicate feelings and needs clearly.
Positive Outlets:
Encourage physical activity like exercise or creative expression through art or writing as healthy ways to release tension before stress, fear, or aggravation elevates to anger.
Additional Tools for older children, adolescents, and young adults. (more information on these and similar topics are available in books, magazines, YouTube, podcasts, your library, seminars in the community, schools, and religious institutions.)
Progressive muscle relaxation
Cognitive restructuring
Yoga and Meditation
Assertiveness training
Using tools such as handouts, weekly reflection updates, journaling, or progress notes
Problem-solving: (see outline below)
Action Steps for Parents or Guardians
Key elements for parents -stay calm when they get upset. This can be challenging, but it’s a great way to model good behavior.
Get on eye level with your child; do not stand or tower over them.
Praise them when they express their feelings calmly or calm themselves down after an explosion.
Don’t give in to their demands.
Establish and communicate clearly about rules and consequences.
Consistently enforce them to promote positive behavior change.
“Powerlessness is always behind anger. The ego pretends that your power is there in anger. But anger rises out of a sense of powerlessness.”
Problem-solving Outline
Guiding children to brainstorm solutions to conflicts, considering different perspectives, and finding compromises is a great, often overlooked, life-long tool. Here is a simple outline to learn and practice
Define the problem - You can not address or repair a problem or conflict without having it defined clearly and concisely.
Brainstorm possible solutions -Create a long list of optional solutions or interventions to the problem. Be creative, and don't be afraid to add unusual, fun, or unique ideas.
Implement a strategy - Pick only one or two agreed-upon interventions and implement them.
Evaluate the outcome - Did the intervention work? Was it partly successful, and how could you change or modify it? Do not be discouraged by initial failure.
Repeat if necessary - Repeat this process as many times as it takes. Each effort offers the opportunity to learn something.
Conflict resolution skills
These are essential skills that benefit us all. However, you must adapt these to the age and maturity of your child. General strategies include active listening, taking turns speaking, and brainstorming solutions to resolve conflicts peacefully.
Identifying the problem.
This step involves identifying the specific problem that is causing the conflict (for example, a friend’s not being on time when you come to pick him or her up)
Is de-escalation necessary? Assess whether or not the intensity of the situation needs to be reduced or stabilized before proceeding.
Identifying the feelings.
In this step, you identify the core feelings associated with the conflict (for example, is an individual unable to express their hurt, so they act angrily instead?).
Active listening: Ensure that each individual understands the context of what the other is saying.
Identifying the specific impact.
This step involves identifying the cause and effect of the problem causing the conflict. (for example, “When I am late for school, I have to go to afterschool detention.”)
Deciding whether or not to resolve the conflict.
Take time to evaluate the weight of the conflict, which may result in deciding whether to resolve the conflict or let it go. In other words, is the conflict significant enough to bring up?
Addressing and Resolving the Conflict. Utilize the Problem-solving Skills
In this step, you address the conflict at the present moment or set up a time to approach it later.
Evaluate the outcome and the success or failure of resolving the conflict.
Repeat this process as often as necessary.
Get objective outside help if you come to an impasse or cannot resolve the conflict.
Some Helpful Phrases to Use When Active Listening
-Help me understand your perspective.
-Thank you for being honest.
-I agree with you on this point.
-How can I support you?
-You might be right. I have to think about that.
Repetition and Consistency
I cannot emphasize the importance of practicing the behaviors, having consistent responses from authority figures, and offering yourself and your child compassion when you fall back into old, non-productive behaviors.
This doesn’t have to be all work; this can be achieved through many fun ways, too.
Naming and labeling characters' emotions on TV and in videos.
Seek out educational resources that address how to manage feelings. (there are many great books and children’s videos that address this topic specifically)
Role-playing or practicing different scenarios where conflict might arise.
Positive reinforcement:
Praising children when they use healthy coping mechanisms and resolve conflicts constructively
Accepting that it is easier to fall back into old behaviors until you all really can incorporate them into your daily activities.
Seek Professional Help for intense emotions.
I want to be clear that it does not mean you have failed if you want or need assistance, professional therapy, or coaching.
A professional will have the specific experience, along with additional tools and resources, to assist you. They may use techniques like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Play Therapy, and Family Therapy to help you and your children recognize triggers and develop new coping strategies.
I hope you find this information helpful. However, I must also mention that the advice given is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. I always recommend that you consult with a licensed professional in their field of expertise.
If you believe this article will benefit someone else, please share it and email me if you have a topic you would like me to address. The email address is linked above.
If you found this topic interesting, you may want to explore one of the following options…
Resources
https://library.samhsa.gov/sites/default/files/anger_management_workbook_508_compliant.pdf
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK556096/
https://www.ncdhhs.gov/about/department-initiatives/early-childhood/why-early-childhood-matters#:~:text=Early%20childhood%20experiences%20from%20birth,substance%20use%20disorder%20and%20crime